today

Today was exhausting. I have An A- in precalc and I'm beyond excited.

My brothers are throwing a 6th grade graduation party. I remember my sixth grade graduation party. Eric Krasnow's house. I kissed four boys during spin the basketball.

I was so proud of myself.

Now, looking at my brothers, I cannot even begin to comprehend how a sixth grade boy can be attractive.

They're five feet tall, pudgy and sound like chipmunks when they talk.

WHY LORDY.

lololololawlz.

eb

Oh, I forgot to mention how much I love Esther Binstock.

I love Esther Binstock.

She is, by far, the most genuine person I know. I've known her since I was eight and I am blessed enough to be able to call her a friend. 

She's just the kind of person I can go to with anything. There are things I've told her I have told no one else. Secrets capable of making me want to hide under a rock if discovered by the public.

I love how I can get the most honest opinions from her no matter what.

Why the random burst of appreciation, you may ask?

Well, we were talking last night and I decided that this was the best way to show my gratitude. She's just this amazing, awesome, wonderful person. And I love her.

the ninth

11:46.

I'm supposed to be asleep. I wish I was, but I am still wide awake in front of my computer screen attempting to finish my history paper bibliography.

Is it weird I don't like to be called bitch?

That word has always hurt me, even when it comes from my best friend. Today, I was called that by someone really close, meant as a term of endearment. It made me cry.

I hate being called bitch. I find it horrible how girls use those words to address friends. I prefer words like dear. love. sweetie. honey. nice words. words that make others feel special and loved and appreciated instead of ugly. the word bitch makes me feel like a bad person.

I have never called any of my my friends a bitch. Not joking, not being serious. I want to confront her and tell her its not personal. I just hate the word. I'm not a bitch. I'm nice. too nice. And I in no way deserve to be called one. 

Today was a good day. Alex had A lunch due to a no-show history teacher, and we sat on the bridge and talked about his double jointed thumb and freshman and engineering. 

he makes me so happy.

The day after tomorrow is not only our five months but also his birthday. What are you supposed to give your boyfriend for his birthday? I have no idea, and I have one day to figure it out. dammnn.

Right now my adorable dog is lying next to me snoring. She's so beautiful. 

Brief

I hate how insecure I am.

I hate how I am my own worst enemy on schoolwork.

I hate how I waste my time.

I hate how I am so bad at talking to people.

I hate how I literally hyperventilate when someone I don't know well messages me.

I hate how I try so hard to be liked but it only bites me in the ass.

I hate how I look so awkward when I walk.

I hate the way my body twitches and moves because of my ADD medication.

I hate how I need ADD medication.

I hate the way I walk and carry myself.

I hate the way my face looks in the morning.

I hate the way my eyebrows don't stay small.

I hate how I'm not cute and sweet and small and innocent. 

I hate how I'm not actually nice to everyone.

I hate how people think I am.

I hate how I cry so much.

I hate that I hate.

I love the fact I'm so lucky.

I love my room and my bed.

I love sleeping.

I love knowing I have people who would do anything for me.

I love having such a wonderful family.

I love knowing I have a home.

I love having friends.

I love my life.

I love that I can love.

that is all.

=\

dramatic music?

check.

enclosing myself from the world?

check.

now onto blogging.

I realized I cannot write unless I am by myself and there is music. Emotional music, not stupid pop stuff. Anyways, there has been a lot I've wanted to write about but I haven't figured out the proper way to go about it. I'm really stressed- really REALLY stressed, but I don't know what about. School is coming to an end and i feel like my high school career is flying by. I'm anxious that my grades aren't good enough- I'm at a 90 GPA right now and I feel that won't get me into the places I want to go.

I also realized that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to schoolwork. I do well, but not AMAZING. it kills me. I wish I had the willpower to try a little bit harder. I feel like when I try harder, its not hard enough. I'm working my ass off this semester to make up for the fact I got 3 B's last semester and only one A, something I'm not proud of. In my defense, I was taking Chem, which was IMPOSSIBLE, algebra 2 which I suck at, and my acting and play study teacher decided to be a hard grader and to give me a B+ which i did NOT deserve- I was one of the best students in that class. This semester I have much better grades, A, A, A- and a B (in precalc) but I feel like I'm not doing enough still. I don't want to ruin my life by not getting into a good college. I want to excel, I want to go above and beyond and be really successful. I want to spend my life doing something I love. 

I picked up my camera yesterday with Sophie for the first time in a few weeks. It felt great. However, I have yet to decide if I have real talent. I personally think photography isn't that hard. I aim and shoot- its really simple. Sometimes it comes out good, sometimes it doesn't.  I got my first digital camera for my twelfth birthday and have been in love with it since. Last year it turned from snapshots to serious photography, and now I am a year later with a Canon Rebel.

Part of me says that the reason why it's so easy is because photography itself is easy. You don't need to draw. There's no pencil or paint or objects to weld or bend. You simply aim a box at a place in the universe and click a button. Instant art. This part tells me that if anyone picked up my camera they would be able to take just as good a picture as I would be able too. I'm not talking about other photographers, but people who have never done it before in their life.

Another part of me says its easy because I'm good at it. Photography takes knowledge about placement and lighting and interestingness. it takes a lot of focus and intuition about what makes a good picture and what doesn't. Photography uses the world as a canvas. 

I do have other loves besides taking pictures. I love writing. I kept a blog in middle school, and out of the craziness of high school abandoned my love for writing. I'm glad I've began to blog again. It feels good.

I love my best friend

i realized my blog posts are much better when i write about nothing than when i write about a certain topic.

im glad to be blogging again. had one in middle school, it was what kept me sane. take two has been mediocre so far.

My little brother, Jonah, is in sixth grade and has recently been coming to me with issues that I remember having. Issues that seemed so big then, but so little now. he likes a girl. girl is pretty. jonah and her are friends- but she isnt showing romantic interest. I remember being in the little girls shoes- sixth grade was a weird year. I remember liking boys sooo much and spending a good amount of time wondering why they didnt like me back. Evan, Nick, the list goes on. I was convinced i was so weird. as i look at my chubby and immature brother i see something i didn't see then. The boys were twelve. they didn't know anything, i was years ahead of them.

I wonder if I'll look back at my sophomore year the same way I look back at sixth grade. Things that seem so important now: friends, grades, family, and yes, boys. (well, boy) is any of this shit going to matter? Will I look back on this year as one wisely spent or one just spent? I hope i'm not wasting my time.

In all honesty there is a low probability I'll look back at my sophomore year with anything but humor and disappointment. This was the year I was supposed to grow. I was going to do crazy things. Did I? No. Crazier, but not crazy. I had a fantastic year, don't get me wrong. My year just wasn't this fantasy I had thought it would be. I'm still young. I'm still growing.