I have issues

Issues, I have them.

England

Leaving for england in 6 days. Nervous, for one, because I am aerophobic which is silly because I fly on planes at least 8 times every year. I travel a LOT. It's also my third time ever flying alone, so it's even scarier. Mehhhhhh

Dream of epic proportions

One thing really great thing about dreams is you can do things you couldn't do in real life. Last night I had a dream that i did something I have been meaning to for a very long time. The great thing was I got to do it, but no physical or emotional harm was done to anyone, including myself.

No, it wasn't hard drugs. It wasn't killing. It wasn't random sex with a stranger.

It was ten times more satisfying, riveting and scary.

I flipped someone off. (Not just any someone, a significant person in my life/past.)

This might seem small to you. Silly, even. Why would I feel so accomplished for doing something so small and innocent? Of course, this is not my first time flipping someone off- even in real life. Even I, the supposedly 'good girl' (which is bull by the way) has flipped people off before. This mostly includes harmless ones behind walls or doorways. Jonah gets the most of it, because he is the only one I get into fights with that i feel comfortable/close enough with to do that.

Anywho, back to my dream.

Well, in my dream, I am in this flat, light brown tan kind of area. Basically, the background was not important to the story.

So anyways, in my dream, I see these people/person. Because I am not rude, this non-age-or-gender-or number specific person/people in my life will simply be referred to as Person. Anyways, so I see this person, and I get angry. Really angry. All of my anger comes boiling to the surface and I flip them off. Just like that. I instantly regret it in my dream. ("Crapcrapcrap WHY DID I DO THAT") but decide, hey, I did it, might as well confront them. So I do. 

I confront them. 

The answer to the confrontation was hilarious now that I think about it.

I am not going to write it here, because this is public, and it might give away who it is.

(No, the person is not you. Hell, you probably don't know the person, or if you do you don't talk to the people/person. Trust me. I haven't talked to this person in a very very long time. Like, very.

Whoever you think it is, it's not.)

That is what I remember the most. I guess I go and flip off other people next. 

Heck, in my dream I am some crazy flip-you-off bitch who has all of my lifetime anger built up and just wants to stick my middle finger at anyone and everyone who has hurt me. Conveniently, for me, they were all in the same place.

What does this dream mean, do you ask?

Well, one, I have done a lot of thinking due to my infrequent but common isolation during the last week. During the night, I 'process' all of the things I haven't been able to during the day. it's really great. I love it. 

Dreaming is just fab. 

.

sometimes i wonder why I'm so indecisive about things and then i remember I'm only 16 years old

lalalalala

lalallalalala i have the best boyfriend everrrr who debates random shit with me and doesn't care if I buy the JB rolling stone and holds my hand and makes me so happy.

So today my mommy went to the Mall with me so I could shop for clothes for Oxford. I went to American Eagle and H&M. I got the cutest clothes: a bunch of skirts, t shirts, shorts, etc.  I am so excited for this trip now!

Afterwards I hung out with Alex for the afternoon. It was really nice to see him since I hadn't in almost a week.

whooooo.

did i mention he was awesome?

RI TRIP/THIS SUCKS/WEIRDASS DREAM

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett passed, I went to Rhode Island.

Big Day.

I want to write, but honestly don't really feel like it. My stomach hurts a bit and I'm bored out of my mind.

Rhode island was good. My dad, brothers and I hopped in his Audi and drove to Newport for two days. We saw the Newport Mansions, (Breakers, Marblehouse and the Elms) which were fascinating, and we stayed in this adorable bed and breakfast that was GORGEOUS. Like always, Jonah and I shared a room and Aidan shared one with my dad.

Jonah and I had a ton of fun. We stayed up until 12 hanging out, listening to music, and goofing off on the internet. He really has turned from my annoying, immature little brother to my friend. As we get older, the age/maturity gap between us gets smaller and smaller. When I was younger, four years age difference was LIGHTYEARS. They were babies! He still seems younger, but when I'm 35 and he's 31, it will seem like there is almost no gap. I think that is really fascinating.

Jonah and I laughed, joked, and talked. I gave him advice and he listened. He's having girl trouble, and I think it's the cutest thing. I gave him my best advice, told him to be bold and go for it. He's such a sweetheart. I hope I can guide him, so he doesn't turn into a 16 year old douchebag. He looks a lot like me, except the got the blonde hair blue eyed gene, while I'm brunette and green-eyed. 

It sucks right now though because I'm stuck at home while almost all of my friends are away on one lavish trip or another. I don't think I have ever felt so lame.

 While any other 16 year old would be out on the town, I'm stuck at home sitting on my bed listening to the Jonas Brothers and angrily punching the keys on my macbook while itching my face. real cute. WHATS THE POINT OF HAVING YOUR BEST FRIEND LIVE A BLOCK AWAY FROM YOU IF SHE GOES TO FARM CAMP THE SECOND SCHOOL ENDS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! GAHHH!!

If she was home, I would probably be with her now, hanging outside in shorts, laughing and doing a perfect imitation of those carefree summer-in-the-city movies about teenagers. You know, the shopping cart pushes, warm air, sneaking Absolut in water bottles, star gazing, the whole bit. I guess I could go do that by myself now but that would be weird, wouldn't it?

Gahhh I miss my pink haired pal even more now. Well, now it's purple streaks instead of pink, but whatevvsss. 

I am now considering walking over to Bex's and chilling with her Parents. Wait, no, that would be weird. 

I would call someone else, but my my mom is due back from her business trip in an hour and a half and I want to see her. 

I want to go outside. My street+summer nights=epic amazingness.

Sophie landed safely in Costa Rica. She can text, which is a LIFE SAVER. She's doing well. Yay.

I went to see her the day before she left. We went and got our nails done. I got an orange manicure (Yes, that's right, ORANGE) and blue on my feet. I'm still deciding if I like the orange. I did it because it's supposed to be the 'it' summer nail color, and I don't have ANY 'it' summer items, so why not my nails? They match my skin a little too well, but they're shiny and funky and new and different. I like all of those adjectives, so I like my nails.

yay seth just called!

He's coming over now.

WHOOOOOOOOOO.

I had a weirdass dream last night, i will write about it when he leaves

yayayayayayayay

I HAVE A LIFE!!!!!!!!!

:D :D :D

I can has headache?

owowowowowow. my head hurts.

prepare for a hugehugehuge blog entry tonight.

for now, this will suffice.

owowowowowowowowowowowow.

Happiness unveiled.

There are two kinds of people:

People who are by default happy, and people that are by default unhappy.

It is incurable, it is how we are born.

My mother and I just got off the phone after having an hour conversation about the essence of happiness and sadness. We talked about how, by nature, some people are happy, and some people, by nature, unhappy.

The more you think about it the more it makes sense. Naturally happy people are happy. Do they get sad? Yes. Do they get angry, depressed, upset? Yes. What makes someone naturally happy is not that they are always cheerful, but that they see the glass half

full. No matter what, there is a good outcome. Things will be fine. Rainy day? Oh well. Get sick? Bring on the ice cream.

As I thought about this, I realized that I can easily place people I know in the Happy or Unhappy catergory. (Because I am not a bitch, I'm not going to name anyone for the unhappy category.) 

When I thought of happy people, the three people that came to my mind were Sydney, Stefanie and Marlees. They are truly the happiest teenagers I've ever met. They possess very similar qualities: they're beautiful, kind, smart, and they have a lot of friends. Happiness is addictive. Whenever I see these girls I am smiling 95% of the time.

Being born beautiful, rich, or exceptionally smart means nothing when it comes to your level of happiness. 

Happiness does not come from these things. Happiness is the highest form of maturity. Happiness is seeing the world through a different perspective. Happiness is loving yourself. Happiness is having fun. Happiness is enjoying the ride. Happiness is being in the moment. Happiness is love. Happiness is free, endless. When you are happy you want to give your happiness to everyone you know, because you have an endless amount. 

Unhappy people are around all of us. 

What perplexes me is that your success in life is not equivalent to how happy you are.

 I know unhappy people that have more friends and a better social life than anyone I've ever met. I know unhappy people that could never study a day more in their lives and still get into Stanford. I know unhappy people that look like they walked off the pages of Covergirl Magazine. Happiness does not come from being pretty, smart, or lucky. It comes from your soul, your intention.

Bottom line:

Lucky people are not happy:

Happy people are lucky.

Unhappiness is easy to spot. It usually takes form, in my opinion, as addiction.

Not to say that everyone that does drugs is unhappy. However, at such a young age, it makes me wonder why people need to get high. Its something that I almost fear. It just, makes me uncomfortable. I.Don't.Like.Drugs. When I think about it my stomach goes in knots. 

What the hell is the point? Does it make you happy? Why do people need to do it? Why? WHY?!?!?!? Why do people think that it's SO FUCKING COOL?!?! 

 Answer: it's relaxing, it's fun, it's illegal. It makes people H-A-P-P-Y.

It makes them act like happy people.

It makes them lose social inhibitions.

They laughter, the relaxation, the goofiness: that is HAPPINESS. 

Bottom Line:

Weed=Happiness in a plant

My bottom line:

I was born with happiness, I don't need to smoke it.

(Okay, so basically, I have a long, complicated and very flip floppy issue with weed. Please excuse my sometimes judgmental and confusing view on the matter.

it makes no sense.

I know.)

I am a happy person.

I like to spread happiness, kindness, the whole bit. I have happy friends, I have unhappy friends.

Unhappy people like me because I'm happy, and happy people like me because we're so alike. I love each kind of person equally, although I realized I want more happy people in my life. I recently made a friend, a HAPPY friend, and I realized how wonderful it is to be around people that are so in love with life. It's infectious. It's wonderful.

Everyone needs happy people.

Unhappy people are not bad. Unhappy people aren't always unhappy, they're not mean. Unhappy people are very commonly happy a LOT. It's just the basic, deep down, CORE part that is different in a happy person and an unhappy person. How they would be if you stuck them in a box, with no stimulation or fun. Would they sulk, or would they say "Hey, this is awesome, I'm in a BOX!"

ALBERT SCHWEITZER:

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

DENIS WAITLEY:

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.

HH THE DALAI LAMA:

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.

mehhhh ✍

I decided last night to release my blog to the world of Facebook and all of the stalking that comes with it. Before, it was just something my friends had to ask for or stumble on. Now it is unleashed to all that decided to creep on my wall.

Mehhhhh.

Its still gross out. On the bright side i feel pretty today because my skin is being all glowy and clean.

✈

My teeth are still healing, but they're feeling much better.

Today Seth came over, and I watched Hannah Montana and bathed the dog.

I love being lazy!!

I leave for england on the 4rh, and I'm kinda nervouusss. 

☂

Chipmunkville

So, yesterday, I got my wisdom teeth out.

Ouch.

It was actually pretty funny. I came in to the office, nervous but excited to finally get rid of them.

I sat in the chair, a little nervous and feeling a little dizzy. They then put this mask over my nose, and told me it was to help me relax. it was laughing gas. I started to laugh. they then put a monitor thing on my finger, and stuck the IV in my arm. I could hear my heart rate monitor beeping. It was the coolest thing- I could make it go really fast and really slow, depending on what I thought about and how fast I breathed. I closed my eyes, and they said they were now giving me the Anesthesia. I drifted off.

I can remember them saying "sierra, lets scoot you up before you completely fall asleep" and thats it. I also sort of remember thinking "Holy Shit I'm not going to remember any of this"

When I woke up, thirty minuted later, I had cotton in my mouth and they were leading me to the recovery bed. I stumbled, and laid down. My mom was next to me. According to her, and what I remember, I then proceeded to say this:

"My name is....Sierra. My best friend is Sophie. I go to...C..R..L..S. My boyfriend's name is....Alex. You are my mom. My name is Sierra."

My mom laughed and stroked my hand.

I smiled, "Hi mommy" 

"Hi, Sweetie. How are you feeling?"

My mouth and lips were num. I bit down on them and couldn't feel a thing.

When I got home I ran straight upstairs and went to sleep. I was so tired, I just slept and slept. My mom gave me my meds, (Vicadin, and some Antibiotic) and I put an ice pack on my cheeks. 

I put gauze in my mouth. It didn't hurt that much because of  all the meds.

Then, at 1:30, I was awoken by footsteps. A lot of footsteps. In my room was becca and Dashiell. I was so excited. 

Wait, it wasn't just dashiell and bex. Oh no. It was Adam, Dashiell, Bex, Nessarose and James.

I almost cried from happiness.

I don't think I've ever felt so touched. They came to visit me as soon as they possibly could. They even brought me ice cream. They all just sat in my room, reading magazines with me and laughing and talking. Dashiell and I red the Selena and Demi People Mag, and Becca read Good Housekeeping with the Jonas Brothers on the front. Well, not really READ, more like laugh at. But that's okay. I love her anyways.

Seeing their faces made me so happy. I felt so loved. It made me realize how lucky I am. I have the nicest, coolest, smartest, most awesome friends I could ever ever want. They are truly wonderful. 

Even having friends makes me so lucky. 

throughout the rest of the day, I was texted/called to make sure I was ok. It was actually a good day. I listened to the new Jonas Brothers album and then watched Penelope.

I loveee my friends.

Dislike List

1. Mean People

2. Exclusive People

3. Jolly Ranchers

4. Grape flavored ANYTHING

5. Baked goods except for cookies and brownies

6. Chocolate flavored frosting

7. Home Depot

8. Those tie-on chair cushions people tie onto wooden chairs- the kind that move around 

I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow.

Two things:

I have the greatest friends/boyfriend ever

I have the greatest mom ever.

Marthisms

(Watching HSM3)

Me: They're at a high school party. Where's the booze?

Mom: They pregamed.

The Great Discovery

It's over.

over.

I survived Sophomore year.

I laughed, I cried. I REALLY cried. My heart was broken by a boy that will spend the rest of his life having NO clue the effect he had. I found a better boy, one who I have spent the last five months happily with. I never thought I would be in such a good, fun, and amazing relationship.

 I discovered that

 1. I heal fast, and

 2. I'm a damn good girlfriend.

 I was left alone, and then brought back. I discovered people that I can no longer imagine my life without. I discovered people I can no longer look at in the eye. I discovered, that, for the first time in my life, I am capable of disliking people.

I discovered that I start off loving everybody, and my opinion changes only when they hurt me. I thank my lucky stars I was born this way. It is such a nice way to live.

I discovered that I really don't give a shit about what people think of  other people, and never will. I discovered that my tendency to befriend anybody and everybody, whether they be labeled as nerdy, cool, weird, well-liked, whatever, will NEVER change. It is something I hold onto dearly. I just like people.

 I grew in ways I never thought I would. I'm older, more mature. I found new friends. I found old friends. I connected with more people. I reconnected. I stayed with people, people I've known since day one of CRLS.

I'm so different now. I feel beautiful, I feel smart.  My face has changed, my body has changed. I feel like an adult instead of a child. A woman instead of a girl.

I got better grades, I improved. I have bigger goals. I rediscovered photography, something that is such a huge part of my life now. It is my passion, what I love. it is what I want to do until I'm old and grey.

I re-connected with Becca and could not imagine my life without her. I've never met someone so interesting and brilliant in my entire life. I love her to death. She's my living high school survival guide and best friend.

I discovered that Sophie is and will always be my best friend.  Wait, not just best friend, something more. I love her more than anything. Different schools means nothing. I would do anything for her.

I almost lost my house, I almost lost my father. Not in a death sense, but in something more. I almost did bad in Chem, I almost did bad in math. I almost went to point, I almost tried drugs. But I didn't.

This year I discovered I can be sneaky. I can be a little rebellious. I'm fun and a little inappropriate (inapropro, haha Marlees) but thats okay. I'm me. 

I discovered that I don't understand a lot of teenagers and the drug hype. All it is is giving you an excuse to act like a dumbass. I don't think it's cool. I don't think it's uncool. I just think drugs are things that makes you act like a dumbass.

I discovered not everyone is going to like me. Actually, a lot of people won't. I'm okay with that.

I discovered that I wasted so much time worrying about others opinions, and I don't anymore. 

I discovered that people my age are on the same playing field and that everyone is insecure. 

I discovered that my mother is my hero and I love her so, so much. I've always known that, since I was a little girl. But this year I needed her so much, and she was always there to pick up the pieces or get me through. She is the most dedicated, amazing talented, GENIUS social beautiful person in the world. I am the luckiest girl alive to have her as my mother. She is, in every way, the greatest mother on earth (well, in my earth).

I discovered I believe in Karma and God and that I will always have something or someone looking out for me.

As I write this, I can feel my eyes start to burn. How the hell am I sixteen, almost seventeen? Where is time going? I feel so old, so scared. But I'm ready for junior year. I'm ready to keep growing. Just watch.

I'm still Sierra. I've been the same crazy, spacey girl since I was a tot. I hope that through my changes and discoveries I always hold onto who I am and what I love.

Hello, future. I'm ready.

Sophomore Year.... In photos

99%

99% of things I regret are things I didn't do.

People.

We're all a bunch of assholes in a sea of selfishness.

we're not cool

we're not attractive

we're not smart

we're not special

we're just people.

234rewfgdw24u7ht4gerdfwas

goodnight moon.

Photography

is all I want to do.

Is that bad, that it is what I want to do?

When I grow up, I want photography to be something I do.

 A lot.

Maybe I'll have another job, a really cool one.

My dream job is to run National Geographic Magazine.

I love everything the Magazine has:

Archaeology, Anthropology, Geography, History, and Modern Issues.

it also has some of the most beautiful pictures I've ever seen.

That is why I am going to Oxford this summer, with Archaeology and Anthropology as my major.

Anyways,

I just realized that I never want to lose photogrphy.

it is part of who I am.

It is my skill.

It's what I love.

Dear Sierra,

GROW UP. STOP WORRYING. YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.

Love,

Yourself.

Happy Pride.

I'm soo tan!

Today I went to the Gay pride parade with Sophie. Her Church marches every year.  we marched with them and handed out colorful beads and frisbees. I wore my tye dye shirt and a rainbow feather boa and a rainbow headband. Esther met up with us too: I am soo glad she got to march. We had so much fun together, laughing and talking and screaming. She's so awesome.

Walking in the gay pride parade is amazing. I did it last year too, and it just keeps getting better. Lets just say I get a little crazy...dancing and giving the parade spectators high-fives and screaming and waving my boa around.  By the end I couldn't see straight from all my screaming and I was light headed. I think I did a good job showing my happy pride. 

Funny thing is I don't care at all that 12,000 bostonians think I'm a lesbian. I kind of like it actually in a way. It's well worth it if it means I get to show my support for a cause I really believe in- HUMAN RIGHTS.

I think every person should be able to fall in love with who they choose. When I look at anti-gay propaganda it never makes sense. It seems so infantile and uneducated. It's no wonder the state with the smartest people is also the state that is the most accepting.

I got this from the National Organization for Mairrage's website (an anti-gay marriage organization):

“How will my same-sex marriage hurt your marriage?”  Same-sex marriage advocates  

want to force everyone to dramatically and permanently alter our definition of marriage  

and family.  The great, historic, cross-cultural understanding of marriage as the union  

of husband and wife will be called bigotry in the public square. The law will teach your  

children and grandchildren that there is nothing special about mothers and fathers raising  

children together, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a bigot.   

 

This, of course, is total BULLSHIT. The website basically says that gay and lesbian people should not 'redefine marriage for all of us' and that gay marriage will take away the beliefs/rights of people that are against it. What about people who are FOR it? Why do anti-gay marriage people think their views are so much more important that ours?

The website is actually so childish and incoherent I have trouble putting into words what I think of it. Even explaining this is hard. Basically, their excuses are dumb and selfish. Look for yourself. It just makes me feel good that they have such little evidence to base upon.

I could go on for days about this issue. Anyways, afterwards marlees came to my house and we studied for italian. then, my mom made bacon and eggs for dinner.

good day :)

A little clarification

My grandfather was not IN the Mafia, he was an undercover LAPD agent CATCHING the mafia.

aka the good guys.

lol.

Too crazy.

I just took a nap.

Wonderful.

So I found out yesterday they're making a full out, action, in-theaters movie about my grandfather and his gangster squad unit.

My grandfather, the original member, will be the star character.

 He fought Mafia members in LA back in the 1950's. Ten years ago, a LA times writer decided to do a story about my grandfather and his unit. It took him until 2008. It was a 7 part piece and it was AMAZING. My grandfather was so awesome.

It was cool because most of the pictures used in the articles are sitting in my living room.

Anyways, Warner Brothers bought the rights to the story and now is going to make a movie about it.

wicked. fucking. awesome.

However, they are yet to contact my mother, which her and I find really annoying. She knew him better than almost anyone, and she and I both agree that she could really help add to the movie and give some advice on how to not make it crappy. And, if they make it based after she was born, there will be a good chance they're going to need a young Martha character as they will probably add in their personal lives at least a little bit.

And, if they want to add some sex and romance, they're going to need a Connie, my grandmother. She was unbelievably gorgeous. All the good things about my body I inherited from her.

I really hope, if the movie goes through and doesn't fall under they contact my mom, and let my mom at least 'pick out' whose going to play Grandpa Jack. At least tickets to the premire. Something.

Come on, its about her father for gods sake,

This is just to weird to write about. You know when you daydream and wonder what it would be like to have a movie made about you?

Well that has come to life.

AHHHH.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2008/11/times-gangster.html

Happy Birthday Alex

Day of epic proportions

I won.

I ran, they voted, I won.

I won.

Something about winning is so satisfying. Knowing you succeeded, knowing you did well. Knowing you did everything you needed to and therefore came out on top. Knowing you did nothing wrong and the choices you made were the right ones.

Today was a day of epic proportions. Student government results, Alex's birthday AND our five month-aversarry. I baked him oatmeal raisin cookies, made him a card and I'm getting a picture of us framed for him.

He got a gorgeous HP laptop for his birthday. It's GORGEOUS- 17 inch screen and a webcam. It's unbelievable.

He's just awesome. We sat in the elevator and talked and looked at his new laptop. It was really sweet.

Winning student government was really cool.

 Kayla held my hands through the whole thing- I was so nervous. I plastered my upper body to my desk and closed my eyes, face down. I knew that in mere seconds I would either celebrate or be really really embarrassed and would have to do the walk of shame around the school and take down my campaign posters.

"Now, for the Student Executive Board Members..."

Paris Ellsworth began to list the names over the intercom.

"Ryan O'Connor"

*Heart beating fast*

"Becca Mazur"

*Clebration. Heart beating even faster*

"Katherine McDonough"

*Two more. Heart racing.*

"Sam Myers"

Sam was the fourth name. There were five spots.

In that millisecond my breathing stopped and my eyes shut. It was the moment I'd been waiting for. The moment of truth.

"Sierra Schwartz"

My breathing started again and I screamed. I went a bit dizzy from the pressure release, then screamed again and hugged Kayla and the rest of my homeroom.

Becca then came in and we hugged.

I then ran to call my mom- but my phone was unusable due to the 7 text messages coming in at rapid speed all saying "congratulations!"

I felt so special.

I also felt bad for people that didn't win. There were a lot of people that didn't win that I really wanted to be on student government. 

Overall, I'm in a great place. Now all I have to do is study for finals. AHHH...finals.

today

Today was exhausting. I have An A- in precalc and I'm beyond excited.

My brothers are throwing a 6th grade graduation party. I remember my sixth grade graduation party. Eric Krasnow's house. I kissed four boys during spin the basketball.

I was so proud of myself.

Now, looking at my brothers, I cannot even begin to comprehend how a sixth grade boy can be attractive.

They're five feet tall, pudgy and sound like chipmunks when they talk.

WHY LORDY.

lololololawlz.

eb

Oh, I forgot to mention how much I love Esther Binstock.

I love Esther Binstock.

She is, by far, the most genuine person I know. I've known her since I was eight and I am blessed enough to be able to call her a friend. 

She's just the kind of person I can go to with anything. There are things I've told her I have told no one else. Secrets capable of making me want to hide under a rock if discovered by the public.

I love how I can get the most honest opinions from her no matter what.

Why the random burst of appreciation, you may ask?

Well, we were talking last night and I decided that this was the best way to show my gratitude. She's just this amazing, awesome, wonderful person. And I love her.

the ninth

11:46.

I'm supposed to be asleep. I wish I was, but I am still wide awake in front of my computer screen attempting to finish my history paper bibliography.

Is it weird I don't like to be called bitch?

That word has always hurt me, even when it comes from my best friend. Today, I was called that by someone really close, meant as a term of endearment. It made me cry.

I hate being called bitch. I find it horrible how girls use those words to address friends. I prefer words like dear. love. sweetie. honey. nice words. words that make others feel special and loved and appreciated instead of ugly. the word bitch makes me feel like a bad person.

I have never called any of my my friends a bitch. Not joking, not being serious. I want to confront her and tell her its not personal. I just hate the word. I'm not a bitch. I'm nice. too nice. And I in no way deserve to be called one. 

Today was a good day. Alex had A lunch due to a no-show history teacher, and we sat on the bridge and talked about his double jointed thumb and freshman and engineering. 

he makes me so happy.

The day after tomorrow is not only our five months but also his birthday. What are you supposed to give your boyfriend for his birthday? I have no idea, and I have one day to figure it out. dammnn.

Right now my adorable dog is lying next to me snoring. She's so beautiful. 

Brief

I hate how insecure I am.

I hate how I am my own worst enemy on schoolwork.

I hate how I waste my time.

I hate how I am so bad at talking to people.

I hate how I literally hyperventilate when someone I don't know well messages me.

I hate how I try so hard to be liked but it only bites me in the ass.

I hate how I look so awkward when I walk.

I hate the way my body twitches and moves because of my ADD medication.

I hate how I need ADD medication.

I hate the way I walk and carry myself.

I hate the way my face looks in the morning.

I hate the way my eyebrows don't stay small.

I hate how I'm not cute and sweet and small and innocent. 

I hate how I'm not actually nice to everyone.

I hate how people think I am.

I hate how I cry so much.

I hate that I hate.

I love the fact I'm so lucky.

I love my room and my bed.

I love sleeping.

I love knowing I have people who would do anything for me.

I love having such a wonderful family.

I love knowing I have a home.

I love having friends.

I love my life.

I love that I can love.

that is all.

=\

dramatic music?

check.

enclosing myself from the world?

check.

now onto blogging.

I realized I cannot write unless I am by myself and there is music. Emotional music, not stupid pop stuff. Anyways, there has been a lot I've wanted to write about but I haven't figured out the proper way to go about it. I'm really stressed- really REALLY stressed, but I don't know what about. School is coming to an end and i feel like my high school career is flying by. I'm anxious that my grades aren't good enough- I'm at a 90 GPA right now and I feel that won't get me into the places I want to go.

I also realized that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to schoolwork. I do well, but not AMAZING. it kills me. I wish I had the willpower to try a little bit harder. I feel like when I try harder, its not hard enough. I'm working my ass off this semester to make up for the fact I got 3 B's last semester and only one A, something I'm not proud of. In my defense, I was taking Chem, which was IMPOSSIBLE, algebra 2 which I suck at, and my acting and play study teacher decided to be a hard grader and to give me a B+ which i did NOT deserve- I was one of the best students in that class. This semester I have much better grades, A, A, A- and a B (in precalc) but I feel like I'm not doing enough still. I don't want to ruin my life by not getting into a good college. I want to excel, I want to go above and beyond and be really successful. I want to spend my life doing something I love. 

I picked up my camera yesterday with Sophie for the first time in a few weeks. It felt great. However, I have yet to decide if I have real talent. I personally think photography isn't that hard. I aim and shoot- its really simple. Sometimes it comes out good, sometimes it doesn't.  I got my first digital camera for my twelfth birthday and have been in love with it since. Last year it turned from snapshots to serious photography, and now I am a year later with a Canon Rebel.

Part of me says that the reason why it's so easy is because photography itself is easy. You don't need to draw. There's no pencil or paint or objects to weld or bend. You simply aim a box at a place in the universe and click a button. Instant art. This part tells me that if anyone picked up my camera they would be able to take just as good a picture as I would be able too. I'm not talking about other photographers, but people who have never done it before in their life.

Another part of me says its easy because I'm good at it. Photography takes knowledge about placement and lighting and interestingness. it takes a lot of focus and intuition about what makes a good picture and what doesn't. Photography uses the world as a canvas. 

I do have other loves besides taking pictures. I love writing. I kept a blog in middle school, and out of the craziness of high school abandoned my love for writing. I'm glad I've began to blog again. It feels good.

I love my best friend

i realized my blog posts are much better when i write about nothing than when i write about a certain topic.

im glad to be blogging again. had one in middle school, it was what kept me sane. take two has been mediocre so far.

My little brother, Jonah, is in sixth grade and has recently been coming to me with issues that I remember having. Issues that seemed so big then, but so little now. he likes a girl. girl is pretty. jonah and her are friends- but she isnt showing romantic interest. I remember being in the little girls shoes- sixth grade was a weird year. I remember liking boys sooo much and spending a good amount of time wondering why they didnt like me back. Evan, Nick, the list goes on. I was convinced i was so weird. as i look at my chubby and immature brother i see something i didn't see then. The boys were twelve. they didn't know anything, i was years ahead of them.

I wonder if I'll look back at my sophomore year the same way I look back at sixth grade. Things that seem so important now: friends, grades, family, and yes, boys. (well, boy) is any of this shit going to matter? Will I look back on this year as one wisely spent or one just spent? I hope i'm not wasting my time.

In all honesty there is a low probability I'll look back at my sophomore year with anything but humor and disappointment. This was the year I was supposed to grow. I was going to do crazy things. Did I? No. Crazier, but not crazy. I had a fantastic year, don't get me wrong. My year just wasn't this fantasy I had thought it would be. I'm still young. I'm still growing.